This is going to be first for me. I have never really reached out to my blogging friends when I am upset or needing something. Typically, this blog is an outlet for my vegan diet and sometimes a few daily occurrences. However, I really need to let this out. To write it down. Maybe get some words of encouragement and sympathy. So, here it goes. All of it. Most of it. Or, at least what I can handle for now...
My High School:
I am ready for it to be over. I have never wanted to be finished with something so badly forever. It's not the work. No, I don't mind a little homework each night, essays to write (my writing is actually improving and I like to see the results of my efforts), and tests to study for. What I can't wait to get away from is the malicious immaturity of my classmates and peers. I've seen/heard enough this year to make me go insane. I don't know what it is that gets to me so badly. I guess it's the fact that a lot of the people who I go to school with (now, I can't say everyone because I don't know all of them personally) are backstabbers, liars, cheaters, bullies, cowards, thieves, and lazy. Harsh words coming from me, no? Well, it's sort of the truth. I don't feel that there is one person who I can trust 100% in my school, besides a few teachers. This is why I don't have any real friends in my school. I mingle with a group of girls, but I see and hear them everyday talking about each other behind their backs. Do I want a friendship like that? No, of course not, this is why I keep my distance. I actually enjoy conversing with my teachers because I find that I am on a similar level with them. I can talk about topics that would bore my classmates. Also, adults (most of the ones I come into contact, anyway) don't judge as often as teens/young adults do. I love being able to talk about my vegan diet with someone without them looking horrified, dumbfounded, or making any rude comments. You all know (if you have been reading for a while) that I have had a few encounters with some of my fellow classmates who have scoffed at my lifestyle/diet and have even thrown meat in my face. Not fun, not fun at all. And, truthfully, it really hurts. I have cried plenty of times about these high school woes and I am emotionally and physically tired of it. Tired of it all. Thankfully, I only have 7.5 more weeks of this to endure.
My Relationship:
For any of you who don't know, I am in a relationship with a young man named Brad who I met last summer while shopping at Kroger. He was my cashier consecutive times; I found him on Facebook; and the rest is history. I can honestly say that I am in love with Brad and I have never felt this strongly towards anyone. He is the person I go to first when faced with a dilemma or just need someone to talk to. I talk to him more than anyone I know and we never go a night without talking on the phone or in person, ever since August 29th 2009. I will never forget the night I stayed out until 4am talking to the guy who would soon become my boyfriend, and eventually (hopefully) my life-long partner and best friend. Yes, I do feel that I will marry Brad one day. The feelings that I have are that strong, and no, I am not underestimating love. I feel it. I know it's there.
As much as I love Brad, there are times when we disagree and even times when we raise our voices, or I get so uspet that I want to cry. For instance, this happened tonight while we were talking on the phone. I am not going to go into details because I feel that the details don't need to be shared in order for you to understand. Even though we argue or disagree, I still love him all the same. This is why it hurts so much when we do have these moments. I hate to be upset, but I hate it even more to see/hear him upset. The tears don't start coming because I am upset with what he has said, neccessarily, but because I don't want to think about losing him. I don't want any little disagreement to ever end in us going to bed without talking it through or either of us giving up on what we have. My biggest fear used to be dying before I could do everything that I wanted to do in life. Since meeting and falling in love with Brad, my biggest fear has become losing Brad and being stuck the rest of my life wondering what life would be like with him still in it. I know that I could never find someone who makes me smile as much as he does, or sacrifices so much for me. He is always there and when he can't be physically, he is there on the other end of the phone consoling me in my troubles/stresses. I don't want to spend my life alone without the person who was made to be the last piece to my body, mind, and spirit of a jigsaw puzzle.
We will have our struggles, I know that for a fact. This summer I will be away for about 6 weeks of travel in Argentina, while Brad will be at home awaiting my return. I know it will be hard for the both of us, him more than I. But, I believe that we have the love to surpass this small separation. I feel thankful for technology, very thankful! However, what I am most thankful for is our love, our strong, real love.
More struggles will be come our way, for sure. I will be studying abroad at some point in my college career. Brad might be going to grad school, doing the Americore, or even some overseas military service. The future is up in the air for us, but that doesn't mean that our relationship is up in the air. No, just our locations. Wherever we may go, I have a strong feeling that we will end up together in the end. Again, it's the love that keeps us going.
Brad, if you are reading this, I love you and I always will. Never forget this.
My Mind, Body, and Spirit:
This is something that I need to work on. I need to be at peace with my mind, body and spirit. Stop the comparisons, stop the counting, stop the obsessive behavior. I am fighting this, still, but hopefully one day I will overcome my anxieties and become the strong-willed and self-confident Katie that I wish to be - the Katie that I am meant to be. The Katie that I used to be in some aspects. I do admit, since becoming older (and wiser) I have become more confident. I have my own voice (which will continue to develop as I learn/experience more), my own values/beliefs, and my own perceptions. I have learned to express myself more freely and not to hold back my emotions, as you can clearly see in this post. However, there is still a lot more room to grow. I have insecurities that I want to cure. I have body image issues, goals of perfection for my future, and a huge hope for a life full of happiness. Someday I hope to find my balance without worry, regret, fear, or anxiety - just pure thankfullness, love, and happiness. I have started down the path to finding my mind, body, and spirit.
More food posts will be made soon. I just needed to get this all out of my head in order to cool down a bit. Thank you for listening.
9 hours ago